Why do I Show More Patience to My Students Than I do to My Husband?

fishing

Why do I show more patience to my students, than I do to my husband?  That’s today’s big question.

We all show degrees of patience every day.  Life requires us to be patient.  In shops, waiting for service, waiting for the bus, when we’re speaking to children who don’t have the same language abilities as adults, making complaints about bad food in a restaurant, and many other life situations require us to show patience when dealing with others.

Also, we’re required to be patient in our jobs.  With customers, colleagues, and other people we’re required to interact with during our working day.  If we get impatient at work, it could mean an end to our employment.  So, we’re patient.

Teaching

Teaching English is no different.  I have to be patient with my students because for them it’s a slow learning process.  Learning a language takes time.  Students make mistakes.  They ask questions all the time.  They repeat the same questions over and over.

teaching language

After 12 years of teaching, it can get a bit monotonous.  I mean, I’m still teaching the same things I was teaching when I started doing it in 2007.  Grammar, vocabulary, listening, writing etc.

The topics may change, the students change, the locations of my lessons change.  But the students are still learning the same things and asking me the same questions that I’ve been asked 100 times before.

When I was training to be an ESL teacher, we were encouraged to explore the qualities of a good teacher.  There were so many suggestions – kindness, responsibility, punctuality, good organisational skills, good listening skills, caring personality, and the list went on and on.

And this list of suggestions of what makes a good teacher also included patience.  As I mentioned earlier, we’re all patient in various degrees in different situations, and teaching is no different.  But, I really feel it when I’m being patient while I’m with students.  I realise when I’m slowing down my speech, repeating things over and over, or just trying to understand what a student is telling me in imperfect English.  I’m patient with them.

So, what prompted this post about patience?

Grammar

A few weeks ago, I was teaching a group the difference between ‘remember to do something’ and ‘remember doing something’.  If you’re an English teacher you’ll know what I’m teaching – gerund vs to + inf.  If you’re a native English speaker you’ve probably never even noticed that there’s a difference!

grammar

And if you’re a non-native speaker, you’ve probably had the pleasure of learning this difference, not only with the verb ‘remember’ but with other verbs too (the most difficult for me, as a teacher, is ‘try to do something’ and ‘try doing something’ – I’m not very good at providing perfect examples for my students for them to easily understand the difference).

So, in this group of 5 men, who aren’t the strongest students I’ve ever had the pleasure of teaching, we have one guy who’s quite vocal and amusing.  He’s always ready to tell us what he did at the weekend, or share stories about himself related, or not, to the topic of the lesson.  Without him, honestly, the lessons wouldn’t be nearly as interesting or as pleasant as they are.

We’d done the grammar introduction, looked at some examples, talked a bit about it and generally prepared for the written exercises.

Sergey needed to ask one more time before starting the exercises if I could explain the difference between ‘remember to do something’ and ‘remember doing something’.  Which one is which?

Not a problem at all.  It’s my job.  With pleasure, Sergey.

Ok, that done, all eyes were down and the students were doing the exercises quietly.  About half way through, Sergey cleared his throat and asked me again, “Can you please explain again the difference between ‘remember to do something’ and ‘remember doing something’?”

Of course, no problem.

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Even though something may be evident to me or you, it can take some students a bit longer to absorb and understand new information, so, as we agreed above, patience is key here.  And I have an enormous amount of patience for my students.

Well, most of them, anyway.

We got to the end of the exercise, checked answers, discussed problems, and moved on to using the new grammar in a more interactive way – speaking to each other.  These guys don’t like working in pairs, so we usually have a big speaking party altogether.

It’s good this way, I don’t have to get up out of my chair to walk around the table to hear what everybody’s saying (lazy teacher!).  They usually all take turns talking during the speaking activities, even if some of them are more active than the others.

Anyway, we finished the speaking activities successfully – or as successfully as one can be with this group – and then I gave them homework, which was consolidation of the grammar we’d just learnt in the lesson.  Then it was time to say goodbye.

The guys stood up, started walking out the door, and, yes, you probably guessed it.  Sergey stopped at the door, and asked, “Can you tell me one more time the difference between ‘remember to do something’ and ‘remember doing something’?”

His colleagues laughed at him, I smiled, and patiently explained again the difference and wished him a good week and said goodbye.

My failure

As I left the building, I suddenly had an awful feeling.  I realised that I’m never that patient with my husband.  If I have to explain something to him twice I’m already huffing and puffing to show my annoyance.  I do a big sigh so he hears it.  Like a mother with a disobedient child.

Olivier’s French, as you may know.  We have to explain things to each other all the time because of the language barrier.  Also, Olivier’s less into technology than I am, so I sometimes have to explain computer stuff to him.   More than once because over time it’s easily forgotten, so he often has to ask me the same thing again later.

And I’m impatient with him.

I’m ashamed.  I’m ashamed at how impatient I am when Olivier asks me something for the second, third, or more, time.  Why can’t I be with him, like I am with my students?  Why do I expect him to learn something new, to absorb information, immediately?  I would never expect that of my students, so why do I expect that of him?

Since that day with my group and Sergey’s questions, I’ve been trying to be more patient with Olivier.  It’s hard, but I’m trying.  I hope one day he’ll be able to say that patience is one of my strong qualities, but I’m afraid that right now it’s not.

Why do we always show our bad side to our most loved people and our good side to strangers?  I don’t mean that we should show our bad side to strangers, but we should at least make an effort to show some patience to the ones we love.

Have you assessed your ability to be patient recently?  Are you showing enough patience to your loved ones?  Let me know in the comments.

~ Cheryl

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Author: Cheryl

I'm an Australian woman who is now living in a village in rural Bulgaria. I lived for 12 years in Moscow, Russian Federation, working as an English language teacher. My current loves are my husband and my vegetable garden.

21 thoughts on “Why do I Show More Patience to My Students Than I do to My Husband?”

  1. I can totally relate to this. I feel like we muster all our reserves of patience with others, and then we get home to our loved ones and our reserves are gone and we become impatient. I struggle with this as well, and I’m glad you wrote a post about this. I think it’s human nature and you don’t need to be so hard on yourself. But recognizing this, maybe you can become more aware and garner that same patience you use with your students! Looking forward to hearing how this works out for you!

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    1. Hi Theresa, thanks for taking the time to comment. And thanks for your words of support 🙂 Yes, now that I’ve recognised it, and admitted it, I’m going to try and monitor my behaviour at home. My husband is looking forward to any positive changes! (he’s an extremely patient and loving husband!) I’ll let you know how it works out. Thanks again for stopping by. 🙂

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  2. I came to this post because of its title and I “may” have the same issue! I am less patient with my husband than I am with other adults. I think as a teacher (I am now retired) we are trained to be this way…patient I mean…and marriage does not always give us the circumstances in which to practise! The other thing is that in marriage we are much more familiar…and probably that too does not help.

    Denyse #mlstl

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    1. Hello Denyse, nice to see you. 🙂 Yes, most teachers I’ve come across, both as a student and in my teacher colleagues, have loads of patience with their students. Either we’re trained to be patient, or we turn to teaching because we are patient people. I think you’re right about being more familiar as being the problem at home. I’m going to try and become a better wife, because that’s the most important thing for me. We celebrated 10 years of marriage this week, I hope he’ll stick around for another 10! Thank you for your thoughtful words. Have a nice week! 🙂

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  3. I think we always feel safer with our loved ones and it’s easier to drop our barriers and our pretences. So, instead of pretending to not mind having the same question asked several times, we tend to roll our eyes and show our lack of patience more. When it’s part of your job (that you’re being paid for) to be patient and polite, you keep doing it or you’d be unemployed! I do think it’s important to remind ourselves to be kinder to our partners and family – they are the most important people in our world, so the least we can do is show them the same courtesy as we do to those we’re paid to be nice to!
    Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM 🙂

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    1. Hi Leanne, what you wrote in your comment is exactly how I feel. I’m being paid, so I have to be ‘nice’. Maybe I’m not really ‘patient’ with my students after all, I’m just a good actor! I agree, it’s important to remind ourselves to be kinder to our family. My husband is my number one person in the world, and therefore he’s the one I should be the most patient with, but it doesn’t seem to work that way at all. One good thing about this post, and this situation, is that now Olivier knows about my struggle and is on the lookout for improvement too, it’s like I’m being assessed, so maybe I’ll do a little better in the future 🙂 10 years of marriage this week!! Lovely to see you here again. Enjoy the rest of your week. x

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  4. Hi Cheryl we usually are less tolerant with our family than with others and probably because we know that they will forgive us. It doesn’t mean that it is the right thing to do and I try not to be impatient. It is really about being mindful isn’t it? Thanks for the reminder and I’m going to try being more mindful this week. #MLSTL

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    1. Hi Sue, yes, they’ll forgive us and that’s our downfall! I’m doing ok so far since I posted, my husband has noticed a small difference. Hopefully being patient will become part of my normal home behaviour, instead of an exception. Thanks for stopping by, have a nice weekend. 🙂

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  5. Hi Cheryl. I found myself chuckling through your whole post. I could picture this very amusing scenario with your students. When I reached the end of the post where you talk about your husband, I stopped and thought about my own relationship with my husband. He and I could both be more patient with each other. I think part of it is we can be more ourselves with each other, because we’ve been married almost 36 years. We save all sides of ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly, for the ones we love. You’ve definitely given me some thoughts on what I need to work on in my relationship. Thanks for another great post. Sharing to FB.

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    1. Hi Christina, thank you for your comment. I’m happy that you found my post amusing and useful. Compared to your 36 years of marriage, I’m a novice of only 10 years (this week!). However, our 10 year anniversary has given me the opportunity to assess myself in relation to how I am with my husband – hence this post. It doesn’t matter where we get the motivation from, but I think it’s great that we all take time now and then to evaluate how we speak to each other. I hope I manage to have 36 years and more with my husband! Thanks again for the comment and share! Hope to see you again soon! 🙂

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  6. Yes…i’ve Noticed I’m more patient & polite with others then I am to my family. I’m Trying to work on this ?

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    1. Hi Carlyn, yes, it seems to be common theme! I’m using this opportunity to try and improve myself! Good luck to you also! Thank you for visiting Born in a Car, hope to see you again. 🙂

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  7. Hi Cheryl. Your post resonates with so many of us, you have hit on a very real issue. I have definitely been guilty of this impatience with my most loved husband. On the other hand, he has also put others like work colleagues ahead of me. I am happy to say that both of us have worked on this and learned how to honor, respect and love each other in a wonderful way. Thank you for your honesty that helps us all to be more open and have better relationships. We will feature your post on the next Blogger’s Pit Stop.
    Kathleen

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    1. Hi Kathleen, Yes, it seems like it’s a common theme among couples – especially long term couples. You’re right, it does work both ways and we are both guilty of this (however, in my case, I’m the biggest offender by far). Glad to hear that you and your husband have worked on it together – open communication is the only way forward. My husband and I have also discussed this together, which has helped but I still have a long way to go. Writing about it and putting it out in the open has helped me a lot! I’m a lot more aware of my behaviour after writing about it. Thanks for contributing to the discussion, and I will be very pleased to be featured on Blogger’s Pit Stop! Enjoy the rest of your week! 🙂

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    1. Hi Kristie! Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I don’t have a solution to this situation/problem, but it seems that writing about it has made us all think about it, and hopefully those of us who have this problem will try a little harder to be more patient with our loved ones. Have a great weekend! 🙂

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